PRAYER
Every day is concluded with a prayer,
…… looking to the stars,
I thank the great Creator for providing me this life to live.
We are all blessed to get this chance
to romance all the elements.
And no matter how stressed I often get
from life’s signature curve balls….
We’re all playing the same game,
and win or lose…..it’s beautiful.Joshua Miles Hansen (2007)
It was not our choice. This kind of thing only occurs in other families, right? We have all heard stories in our communities about children who die from risky behaviors and also the tabloid accounts of celebrities who die from substance use after losing their way. Of course, as a parent we live in the shadows of those stories behind the boundary of our home life that we expect will somehow protect those we love from such a fate. Doubtful we even consider that the most unspeakable horror could actually happen to our family. But sadly, it does – and it did happen in mine.
I’m talking about the death of a child from drug or alcohol use.
As a mother of four children, my husband and I enjoyed a lively home filled with childhood activities, antics, laughter, abundant faith, love and wonderful chaos. Josh, the eldest, was the fun loving “go-to” guy in the house who shared his playful spirit and intriguing conversation with all his younger brothers and sisters. Gone but never forgotten, Josh was a beloved child, brother and friend. He made a home in the hearts of all who knew him. Simply unforgettable, he was endearing by the strength of his smile and gentle manner. He was a talented writer and musician, keenly intelligent, admired and spiritually connected to the world by human kindness. Josh was one of the most genuinely kind people you could ever hope to encounter. He was also addicted to alcohol and opioids.
After the unexpected passing of our beloved son at the age of 27, I quickly realized how unprepared I was for the grief and sorrow that would follow. Everything had changed. Nothing would ever be the same. I found that a broken heart really does hurt – inside your heart. Devouring every book I could find on the subject, I found myself seeking to find understanding that would elude me for a very long time. This was definitely a club that I did not want to belong to. As time passed, it seemed like I had become a magnet for meeting others who had also lost children. However, the reason for my loss, rooted in drug and alcohol abuse, clearly set me apart from the rest. Deaths of young people caused by illness, accidents, disasters and crime are more easily met with compassion. Yes, my child was also gone, but when your child dies from suicide or from a drug overdose, the mental illness element is not the first thing that people think of. For many, in disbelief that this fate could ever befall someone in their family, assumptions are often made that the deceased was a victim of his or her own moral failure and weakness. The whispers surrounding this loss often conclude that the parents must have done something terribly wrong in their upbringing. Not being seen as a person anymore because of dependency on substances leaves one to have little respect for themselves and renders them helpless and feeling unworthy of love or help. Shame and stigma associated with addiction directly impact someone suffering with the disease and their chances for treatment and achieving recovery. The cycle of misunderstanding about the disease and the lack of empathy for the afflicted follow their death and remains with those who loved them.
Not surprisingly, in an effort to protect one’s family from a condition that may be deemed contagious, people often turn the other way so that the dread does not rub-off on them. The common reality today is that when you are in a group of people at the next large social gathering, you may ask yourself, “who in this room is next?” The epidemic of loss of young people from substance use disorder is increasing at a staggering rate, shattering countless families across the country. Unknown to me at the time, the disease of addiction does not discriminate. No one is immune to its effects.
As parents we may have once lived with the false belief that we were in control because we were when our children were young. That scenario changes once a child is able to walk to school or get on a bus alone. The power of combined intervening forces of peers, media, society and psychological development as they grow, surrounds our children and cannot be denied. We may have paved a yellow brick road where if we, and they, do everything right, all will end well and the shiny golden egg awaits. Pollyanna had nothing on me. Even through the passage of time since that fateful day, I still remember vividly feeling like I could have done more, should have given more and ultimately that I had the ability to heal Josh from his afflictions. Heal his heart that seemed to require a substance to relieve himself from emotional pain. I know now that that kind of thinking is wrong on so many levels. In spite of what our intellect tells us, some people will become addicted after using and/or abusing drugs or alcohol, and others, given the same set of circumstances, simply will not.
We truly did not know about drug use during high school years. Like many parents of our generation, if we are honest, we suspected that there would be some use of marijuana or experimentation with alcohol, however, we did not see any signs of abuse and we did not see any indication of use in our home. We took steps to know where and with whom our children interacted whenever possible and we networked with their friends’ parents to do the same. After all, we just wanted the kids to be safe. Not unlike our peers, our concern was focused on safety and not on the danger of our child becoming addicted to drugs or alcohol. We counseled our children and tried to teach by setting a good example ourselves and appropriate boundaries.
I can honestly say I never considered that a child of mine would become an addict. There were no examples of that behavior in our family history and I was unfamiliar with the journey for someone with substance use disorder. The fact is that very often young people are able to maintain a lifestyle that may include successes socially, athletically, academically. Some are often able to sustain employment as a functional user without being detected. Parents may not observe risky behaviors until signs are present to demonstrate that a loved one has gone from occasional user to abuse to then becoming physically and emotionally dependent on substances. Quite often, as was true in our family, the detection only became known after an adult child was in college and no longer living at home.
Addiction is a disease. It should be treated as a disease and society must eliminate the shame and stigma associated with it. Demand for evidence-based treatment should be expected as the standard of care with an extended care plan toward achieving recovery. Love is not enough. The twelve-steps alone are not enough. Mistakenly, you cannot just love your children through this disease. There was a time when I thought I could. Sadly, I did not have that kind of power. If you could simply love people through diseases, we could do the same to cure our families of cancer, diabetes, AIDS or heart disease. Addicts are not having fun. Nobody chooses to become dependent on substances of any kind. The days of exhilaration and fun times with experimenting to get high disappear for them when acquiring their substance of choice becomes like air to breathe. The grip of addiction steals everything they hold dear leaving behind self-loathing that is almost impossible to bear. The path of this painful disease is destructive and has psychological l ramifications that require mental health professionals and compassionate caregivers just like what people with any other diseases receive and are entitled to.
Outpatient and residential treatment programs are only the beginning in a difficult journey to sobriety and healing. Generally unregulated, most treatment programs are costly with no mandate for essential follow-up care. Anyone who has tried to secure treatment for a loved one has heard the same story from multiple programs. It has turned into an industry of lucrative businesses that make hollow promises and give unrealistic expectations of hope. They prey upon individuals and families who are desperately in need of help. Though they may provide a basis for beginning a path to recovery, at best many offer nothing more than detox, at exorbitant prices, which most families can ill afford. However, there is hope. Treatment programs now exist that do combine individualized treatment and scientifically proven, evidence-based practices, and follow-up treatment plans to extend ongoing support through recovery. Josh had every promise for success. Unfortunately, he placed a high standard on himself that disallowed recurrences of use as a part of the recovery process. He expected to successfully recovery from his addiction. Shame caused him to beat himself up because, though he had been working the program, in his mind he was a loser because he still was not well. He thought he was ready to overcome his challenges and remain substance free on his own. At the time we did not know any better, of course, neither did he. At no time did I ever believe that Josh would die from this disease. However, the fact that he emerged from months of treatment feeling more ashamed of his plight should have been a red flag. It was way too soon. Josh described for me to me the shame he felt in three phone conversations the day before he passed. Yet, he told me to keep the latch off the door because he was traveling home with a friend and did not want to wake me in the middle of the night. I was up in the night. The door lock was still unlatched and I know that is when my precious son took his last breath. I have no doubt that it was unrelenting shame that ultimately led Josh to use again that night. Life now is lived as before and after we lost Josh.
The passing of a child is not ever okay. It is especially unacceptable when it can be prevented. This nightmare is an epidemic for young people and families like ours across the country. Parents, educator, legislators and society in general are beginning to look at addiction differently with every story they hear.
I am grateful to see changes in perception for people suffering with SUD and for expanded treatment options available to patients …..one very slow step at a time.
~ D