JOSH
Born: 1981
Died: 2008
LOGAN
Born: 1991
Died: 2014
Submitted by Diana
Northern California
I miss everything about my two beautiful boys.
Half of my family perished leaving two empty seats at our family table. From the day Josh died we chose to bring him along with us, and of course we do the same with Logan. They are very much present in the lives of their family. And, especially now that our family is growing with four grandsons who not only bear their names, but know them as uncles who are much more than just the portraits on the wall.
In life Josh and Logan brought us joy and made our family complete. They were the eldest and youngest of four children. Through the battles they faced with substance use disorders, and what we have learned from their lives, they continue to teach us in their absence. The boys were both funny, gentle, loving and very sensitive children and young men. For unique reasons, each of them had a need that they were able to fill by self-medicating with opioid pain pills. I understand that their dependency became the fight of their life; and although they may have been different in their sensitivity to life and its challenges, both were secretly stressed by inaccurate and self-perceived shortcomings.
Of course I wish I did not have to learn these lessons and that they did not have to suffer – – but I am grateful for new insights into the experience of their opioid use disorders. I want to respect their struggle and better understand the challenges they tragically faced in self-loathing silence. I especially want to give them a voice to shine light on secrets they felt needed to be held onto so tightly due to shame and stigma. Secrecy only exacerbated their pain. Secrecy reinforced their use. And, secrecy inhibited our ability to support and assist them in advocating for their needs.
As a society, we must make it okay for those suffering with any substance use disorder to share their pain freely and without judgment. They must be able to tell us what they need without fear of ridicule or abandonment. Neither of the boys accepted that recurrence was a part of the recovery process or that medicine assisted treatment (MAT) was acceptable for them. That was a message they received in residential treatment and in recovery meetings. How tragic that they continued to beat themselves up for not being “okay” when recovery is a process with family support to have helped them.
We live each day with vivid, wonderful memories of Josh and Logan. They were a huge part of us! When I close my eyes, I can still hear their laugh, see their sweet faces, touch their gentle hands and feel their hugs. What I want them to know is that I know they did their best …..and that was good enough for me.
To hear more about Josh and Logan, find their stories on the Founder Dedication page.